We find ourselves in relationships in which there is a common concern or shared goals but such a high level of resentment that it is hard to work together.  In order to create what we all need, we will have to form agreements.  This is hard to do when we see things very differently.  At the very least, we would have to be able to give each other critical feedback about the choices we are each making.  Let's just walk through that.

We each from time to time make choices which the other doesn’t agree with.  When that happens, would you like to;

• know what it is you have done the other finds troubling,
• know what it is about the choice which is troubling to the other, and
• know what the other sees as more helpful in those circumstances?

If you don’t want that, then this won’t be a possible avenue for collaboration.

There are probably several things which are in the way, but I am betting one of the them is the ways you give and receive feedback.  None of us is very comfortable with the way this happens, so let me suggest some guidelines.  When we give feedback we can be offering a complaint, criticism, or contempt.

Complaints are statements that focus on the qualities which are arising in the relationship which we don’t like or find harmful.  “When you promise to take out the trash and then don’t do so, it makes it hard for me to trust you and I don’t feel supported in caring for this household."

Criticisms are statements that focus on the choices the other is making which we don’t like. “When you don’t take out the trash as you said you would you are being selfish and lazy.”

Contempt shows up when our statements are focused on who the other is… on the nature of their being.  “You are a selfish, lazy bum who won’t even take out the trash.”

It is helpful when others offer critical feedback in the form of complaints which focus on the qualities in the relationship, but sometimes their anger gets the best of them.  What is most helpful is when we can hear someone speaking to us with contempt and we can translate the feedback into a complaint before we respond.  I suspect this is something we all can do some work on.

(framework derived from the work of Dr. John Gottman)