I got some very useful feedback from a client about these languages and so have updated what I want to say about the four languages.  Here is an excerpt from my book in its current form.

The Language of Complaint>

There are probably several things which are in the way of openness to feedback, but I am betting one of them is the ways you give and receive feedback.  Most of us are uncomfortable with the way this happens, so let me suggest some guidelines.  When we give feedback we can be offering a concern, criticism, contempt or control.  When we receive feedback we can hear is as an expression of domination, contempt, criticism of our choices, or a comment on the quality of our relationship.

Concerns are statements that focus on the qualities which are arising in the relationship which we don’t like or find harmful.  “When you promise to take out the trash and then don’t do so, it makes it hard for me to trust you and I don’t feel supported in caring for this household.”

Criticisms are statements that focus on the choices the other is making which we don’t like.  “When you don’t take out the trash as you said you would you are being selfish and lazy.”

Contempt shows up when our statements are focused on who the other is… on the nature of their being.  “You are a selfish, lazy bum who won’t even take out the trash.”

Control may come through what we say to others which indicates that we believe we have the right to control their actions but it may also be expressed through our physical reactions to them through pushing, pulling, or even striking them.  Our focus is on what the other must do to meet our demands.  “Take this out now,” we growl, as we thrust the trash into the other’s face.

It is most helpful when others offer critical feedback in the form of concerns which focus on the qualities in the relationship, but sometimes their anger gets the best of them.  When they do, we may hear them speaking to us with contempt or attempting to control us.  Rather than react back and enter into a fight, we will be more likely to construct what we need if we can translate the feedback into a concern before we respond.  I suspect this is something we can all use some work on.